The Wicker Tree
I've just seen a film so crap my companion and I just ended up laughing at it. So I thought it was worth reviewing on that basis. And to warn off any fans of the genuine article.
The reason I got this film was because it's supposed to be a sequel to 'The Wicker Man'. I am of course referring to the original 1973 film, not the American remake, which I have vowed never to see, because it can only be a cheap and tawdry imitation of a truly great film. So I felt like I had to watch this, even though it was, apparently, widely rated as rubbish.
And, make no mistake, the nay-sayers were right - it is a steaming pile of cack.
The laird in this film runs a nuclear power station. He is descended from Lord Summerisle, but that's the nearest this film gets to having any Wicker Man DNA in it. His poorly-managed nuclear site has rendered the village sterile, and sacrifices are conducted to restore fertility. The stupid villagers, instead of lynching this creep, take part in elaborate rituals in which two American missionaries are captured. The young man is fucked then eaten and the young woman feted as May Queen then stuffed and mounted. There is more than one mention of Celtic religion, so this film can be taken as an egregious and pathetic insult to the latter.
The depiction of living heathenism is sloppy and half-hearted. This is a film that doesn't know what it wants to be. Unlike in the original WM, where the horror is not the point, in this film it almost is, except there's really no point at all. The village conspiracy seems to be modelled on the excellent Hot Fuzz, and there is an element of schlocky absurdity which shows the influence of the OTT-to-the-point-of-silly element in modern horror films since Evil Dead. In other words, it could have made a reasonable OTT comedy, but its nerve fails on the couple of occasions when it gets near that edge. Like a mildly hilarious moment involving a dead cat, and a super-tacky virtuoso performance of the 50s christo-schmaltz hit song 'Deck of Cards'.
Oh yes, the music. The original WM is a feast of beguiling traditional and neo-traditional folk that holds together a depiction of another world. It is a truly astonishing use of music which succeeds in creating a different reality. The Wicker Tree? The music is mostly rubbish, and they obviously didn't spend much on it.
They didn't even bother thinking the plot through. At the end we realise that the seed of the captured missionary has succeeded in impregnating the woman who seduced him. So it was only the men who were sterile. Wow, the women could have avoided the considerable trouble of capturing and killing a couple of good looking missionaries and instead simply had a night out at a club in a neighbouring town. Then gone home and lynched the self-confessed Mr Burns character.Yes, he actually compares himself to that archetype of banal evil. Give me strength.